


bad decisions

by Jubbles



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: F/M, Infidelity, Toxic Relationships, past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26055226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jubbles/pseuds/Jubbles
Summary: Rory's doing some thinking around infidelity, old boyfriends and a chaotic life.
Relationships: Rory Gilmore/Logan Huntzberger
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

Missing an ex is a painful wound. Like a healing gone wrong and you can't stop picking at the scab and watching the skin regenerating over and over again. Because it is hypnotic, so painful but rewarding, the blood flowing to the surface only to be contained by impressive skills of your own body. And you know, intimately, that your body can take a lot of pain and still survive. Heal. Get ready for another round.

So, really, when you call an ex you want to feel that same deep pleasurable pain of someone that knows your body as intimately as you do. Want to feel the erogenous spots getting touched and enticed with comfort and sensuality, because you feel horny and lonely and sad.

Because you think that at some point they used to care for you.

And you want to feel such care, even if superficially.

What you miss, in fact, is not even your ex, their persona, their smell or laughter or how husky their voices get when you're in bed togehter. You miss the talks and how your brains had sex. You miss compliments. The brillliant godlike feeling of worship and of being at the top of the world.

Does it matter knowing the rational points of missing them?

_Not really._

Because you want to talk to _them_ and have them respond. Touch them because you miss their reactions. 

It's having the awful realization that you blocked, unfollowed and completely erased him everywhere and having to count only on your memory to prevent reaching out. (And feeling extra terrible for not being able to indulge in a severe rebound addiction when you _have_ completely forgotten his numbers. Or where he lives currently. But it is so _easy_ to find out with barely any effort it's counterintuitive). You miss the attention you got from him, from the way he made you feel, emotionally, physically, your mental state was of such a pure bliss that even your arguments were heated foreplay or you romanticize them as good and you miss them.

You miss the ease of the relationship. Sure, he may be a jerk still and you could never work as a couple for the same reasons five years ago you broke up. But if you let the natural chemistry free, let yourself fall into their embrace and just feel how good you still make yourselves let go...

So satisfying! Like a drug you just can't quit because your body feels amazing when under his hands and his voice taunting you to heaven.

Such a bad decision to fall onto their bed and believe their lies and whispers about how you're the only one. Only... You're going to believe it because you're vulnerable and want someone to hold onto you for a moment and feel like everything is right in the world, like you have actual worth and is totally capable of maintaining a relationship.

Which you can't, huh, as long as you don't stop chasing after stupidity.


	2. Chapter 2

\- You told me you loved me, why would you say that if you were going running to your ex anyway?!

\- I... I don't know... 

Said meekly. Like she couldn't justify the insanity. The urge. The fact that she loves her ex so much 'till the moment she hates him.

\- This is pathetic, Rory! Do you think he's coming here like a knight, all galant to save you?! Just because you asked him to? And because you had some torrid moments during college? Grow up, _Lorelai!_ He's to be married and he's rich! His daddy can get a restraining order agaisnt you any minute now. And you think his pretty blonde arm candy fiancé doesn't know about you? Oh please. She does. And you know what? _She doesn't care_. She is the one getting the houses, the cars, the trips, the _attention_ you so want to have from him.

\- That's. That's not _really_ true. He's only with her because his father told him to! Something to do with better chances to up their stocks. He doesn't really like her! He likes me! We love each other!!! We can totally be together once he gets enough power over his father and we can stay in the same timezone again!

\- Oh really? You sweet, innocent, _dumb_ , little girl. You think that just because he flies you to Madri for a quick romp in the sheets that you're soulmates materials? He's adventurous and seeks thrills to hide the fact that he has cold feet and extremely low self-esteem. He says he's not a commitment kind of guy. But haven't you realized yet? All of that are lies. He's just trying to stay in control of the stupidest things he can! Because the bottom line is that he controls nothing! You need to snap out of it! You think he's going to fight for you?! He doesn't fight for himself!

\- That's not true! We needed to adjust to each other! We agreed to a no-strings attached relationship because we weren't there yet, same reason why I didn't choose to marry him! Even if we had lived together! And we did ok there!

\- Oh please! He was your boyfriend because he wanted to be right! Because his pride demanded that he could do the old goody-goody show of staying faithful to one girl. Or do you think it was a _coincidence_ that he chose someone his parents would hate? Or that he knew your grandparents would bend their spines to keep in his good side? He wanted to prove he could do it!

\- You're wrong! He's a complicated man but he has grown and he actually really cares about me. He helicoptered himself to the hospital my grandpa was at when I was having a hard time. He is good! He _cares_! He's there for me!

\- Oh yeah, when is he? When he wants to fuck you or feel good about himself? When he's bored? When he knows that even if he doesn't feel like putting the work you're going to make him feel all _stimulated_? You two act both like emotional junkies!


	3. Chapter 3

It restarted with an out of the blue contact wanting to know how you are, of course.

"What are you doing, gorgeous?"

That would be cute and typical if it wasn't for the three or four months break without any communication of his part. You thought you made yourself clear and he didn't say aything to clarify his actions: because you chose to take a break and he chose to get his dick wet somewhere else, you stopped talking because you _are_ more than a pushover; no reason to keep in contact with someone that doesn't want the kind of engament you want.

Even when it's so easy to fall back into old habits.

And if, by chance, you try to put some distance? He complains aboout how you're doing this "bland weird thing". That's called being emotional reserved, thank you very much! Plus, how conceited one has to be to say someone has an attitude just because they refused to play by their script?! NO, Logan, I do not want to go to a party with you! I'm mad! You pissed off to South America for months! You can't say you care when you get out of touch for _that_ long!

See, rational and critical thinking.

* * *

Rationality can be hard to maintain when he says he adores you, that he thought he made his feelings perfectly clear, that he thought you knew because it was "obvious". When he finds it "adorable" how you always try to stop communications, like running away from a bad relationship is just laughable and ridiculous. A crux everyone has to bear.

The tendency to bulldoze through a conversation like nothing happened, the reiteirations of how he misses talking with you, believes you didn't broke up, "we're not exes, Rory, you think we got over ourselves?", the justifications of his stupidity. There were miscommunications, he can do better, and he _will_ do better. Because

> There's always going to be a want for you with me.
> 
> It's always been you!

It's a mistake to listen to the heart. To allow a supposed explanation of vapid heiresses that got to him during his moments of weakness. And to accept that the fact he still thought of her as further proof that she was the one for him. ~~Yeah right~~. That she was special and it would be impossible to settle with another one. That's why he suggests you should try again, for real, now that you're more mature. That's why he can say he will make your dreams come true without sounding douchy. Because he truly believes he's being perfectly sane.

He wants an specific type of relationship and it shouldn't come as a surprise, really, that it is with Rory. He wouldn't be playing the field if he had someone permanent, in his house and life, as a safe space. Futhermore, their lives were scrutinized by the families, how can they really know if they can work it out without Mitch or Lorelai or Emily or the rest of the Huntzbergers breathing down their necks? Their time is now. They can try for real. It would be the real trial by fire.

* * *

\- Look, you want to know why I think I'm a perfect boyfriend material? Because I like smiling. I like laughing! And I love good food of course. What do you want more than that? Someone to make you feel good? Don't I do that already? Someone that can provide? I thought we did this already and agreed that it wasn't a mistake? Why are you so focused on the negative when there really aren't any ulterior motives here? Don't read something that's not there.

Do you know how much I adore you? I absolutely fucking adore you, I adore the hell out of you, ok? You're special. You've been very fucking different from all the others I've ever met. I _am_ getting better at commmunication, my learning curve is wacky, you know that, but I am going to do better, including my work ethics, because I miss you when you're away. I feel better when we're together and, well, I officially love you, don't I? It isn't some passing fancy any longer, I lost all my cool on this already, can't really take it back . Would I prefer to be sexy and mysterious? Sure! Who doesn't? But it's not really a power dynamic is it? Except... You did stalk me for a while, I'm just returning the favor.


	4. Chapter 4

> Fuck, I miss you.
> 
> Answer me, dammit.

From comfort to cage. A crazy prison of our own mind, vicious and hopeful, looking for another outcome when nothing has changed, neither the subjects nor the situation. 

Some people can have it all, and some fumble in every aspects of life. Why bother, really, to right a wrong, trying out again when the first time was lost by default? The second one is a bit more sucessful than the situation I'm currently in. And anyone past the infamous third never got the dignity of receiving a number. How can I even strive for better when my own mother is proof that love and suffering walks hand in hand?

It is just easier to... Accept the existence of a gangrene. A life worth living in small bits. Purging the worst of it, amputating the dead parts of ourselves in sacrifice.

What if we picked the apathethic route? Knowing I could never be fully realized and satisfied with half of an relationship but knowing at least I could sate a craving once in a while? Keep my expectations real low so that the fall hurts less.

Deciding on a single pointed stupidity, unplanned, grotesque and with no expiration date. Who cares about love anyway? Love is dead.

But the comforts of the flesh, warm, heat, intimate connections of floating and transient interpersonal relationships. Mediocrity of life.

\- Just pick the damn phone, already, Logan.


End file.
